


Streetwise Suckers

by BeatrixGtheMaskedDogNoobsomeExagerjunk



Series: sepelire securi [4]
Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid, The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: "Gary Goldstein is easily inclined to evil" - Nick Lang, "You can upgrade to a sleazeball" - Ted, (Of names), Alternate Canon, Alternate Timeline, Alternate Universe, Censorship, Drinking & Talking, Gary Goes To Bars Occasionally, Gary doesn't need the whole story to know Ted is the sidepiece and not Charlotte, Gary is Explicitly Jaded When Under the Influence, Gen, Nerdy Prudes Must Die Speculation, Sorry Papa Ed stans, Ted Does The Same But A Little More Frequently, Ted is More Emotional Under the Influence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24336664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeatrixGtheMaskedDogNoobsomeExagerjunk/pseuds/BeatrixGtheMaskedDogNoobsomeExagerjunk
Summary: Hatchetfield's sleaziest men walk into a bar.Or Ted wants Charlotte to divorce Sam and seeks the help of Gary Goldstein, Attorney-in-Law.
Relationships: Charlotte/Sam (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals), Charlotte/Ted (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals), Gary Goldstein/Linda Monroe, Gerald Monroe/Linda Monroe, Implied Sam/Zoey (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals), Ted/Linda Monroe
Series: sepelire securi [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1751995
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Streetwise Suckers

“You’re a lawyer, right?”

Gary turned his attention to the random stranger that clearly called for him.

The guy had charisma, something the lawyer could tell, with hair messily slick back, a simply trimmed mustache, and clothes that seemed to scream office job. A six out of ten in his fuckability charts.

“You bothered to ask here instead of my law firm?”

“Well, this was more of a ‘chance’ sorta thing,” The guy returned with snark.

“Fuck it,” Gary turned his body to face the stranger, “what do you got for me?”

“It’s really for a friend,” He reclined, “she just means a lot to me and maybe it’d do her good if this sleazeball can get her a lawyer,”

“I can’t be her personal lawyer, I already work for the Mon-“

“No, no, just a job for her, like a divorce! Y-you can be her divorce—I would love it if you can be her divorce lawyer,” The guy then took a swig of his drink.

Gary just stared at the guy.

Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t done a divorce case in a while. Even with the sleeping around he happened to be known for.

Hatchetfield could use more of those.

Gary guffawed, “Hatchetfield definitely needs divorce trending! I mean, no offense to the sanctity of marriage,”

The guy laughed at Gary’s quip.

“Who’s the gal?” Gary suddenly cut their shared laughter.

“Oh, she’s a friend,” The guy winked at him, “from work.”

“That all?”

“Her name’s Charlotte **[REDACTED]**.”

Gary blinked at the guy.

“What else do you want me to fucking say, man?”

“Who’s the broad to you...uh-“

“It’s Ted,”

“Ted?”

“Yeah, Ted **[REDACTED]** ,”

“Who’s the broad to you, Ted? Are you guys, y’know, foolin’ around?”

“Why would I tell you that?”

“Why are you asking me to be this woman’s divorce lawyer?”

Ted shut up.

“Okay, okay,” He flustered up, the alcohol clearly intensifying the sensation, “she-I, well...I sorta grew attached to her, which as far as I’m aware, doesn’t ever happen with the ladies I end up with.”

“Ooh,” Gary was tapping his foot against one of the legs of his chair, “you are a sleazeball!”

“And I am not denying it,”

“Thank God,”

“Yeah, yeah, Charlotte! She...she’s married to this fucking scum bag cop.”

"HFPD?"

"Yeah. She says he frequents the Starlight Theater." Ted's face saddened, "Without her."

"Oh shit," Gary reached for his glass, "you mean Sam **[REDACTED]**?! He's married?"

"Yeah," Ted put his glass down, the barkeep giving him a refill as it landed on the countertop. "Like I said, a scum bag."

"I heard he brings different girls with him every night!"

"And not one of them is his wife," As Ted sipped from his glass, Gary noticed a genuine bitterness in the guy's eyes.

"How would you do her better, Ted?"

“Well, I am here to try and help her.“

“No no, like,” Gary chuckled a bit, darkly, “after all this. Say she divorces Sam, and then what? You’re gonna marry her yourself?”

“Not right away!”

“Ah!” Gary pointed at Ted like he spotted a zit on the guy's face, “Ah—you’re considering it! Were you really considering it?”

Ted blushed, “W-Well, what’s fucking wrong with that?!”

Gary laughed at Ted, his nasal and piercing cackling scratching at the bastard’s ears, as well as the barkeep’s and the nearby patrons'.

“And if she leaves you?” Gary reclined back as he calmed down, adjusting his glasses.

“Like she will,”

“You’re sleeping with her, Ted. Inevitably, you’ll be the Sam in Charlotte's life and some new dashing bastard will whisk her away.”

“Okay, fuck you, first off,” Ted scowled at the lawyer, then proceeded to finish his glass.

Slamming it down, “I'll make Charlotte happy.”

_ "Can you?" _

"I-"

“Can you even _keep_ her happy, Ted? Better yet, _will she make you happy?_ O-Oh oh oh!" A finger in the air. " _Keep you happy?_ ”

Ted opened his mouth to rebut, but he could not, his mouth left agape.

"Now that I've taken a closer look at you," Gary's eyes examined the guy in front of him.

"What, Attorney?"

"Tell me now," A sip from his now-empty glass, "Linda Monroe--have you been with her before?"

"Once, a few months ago. What the hell does she have to do with me?"

"Well, based on my time spent with Monroes, _both professional and intimate_ , she reminds me of your Charlotte...a bit. Does she have kids?"

"With Sam? No."

"Good for her," Gary held out his glass to the barkeep for a refill, "it's hard to be responsible for people, let alone half-formed ones." 

"And?"

Gary placed his now-full glass on the table.

"Everyone knows that Linda's the richest bitch in town, right?"

"No shit,"

"Well, despite that razzle-dazzle she obsesses with," A click, "the razzle-dazzle she presents herself in, Linda somehow manages to be the most pitiful of us in all of Hatchetfield. If you really love Charlotte, you wouldn't do this shit for her unless she asked you." 

"What-"

_"Did she ask you, Ted?"_ Gary reiterated harshly.

"N-No, man!"

"Then don't fucking try," The lawyer took his glass, lifting it to his mouth.

Ted stared at Gary, who was drinking. He blindly placed his glass on the counter upside down.

"I know Hatchtefield isn't salvageable given what you've just spat at me,"

"Hm?" Gary emptied his glass, placing it on the counter just as Ted did.

"But like, why?" Ted looked very distraught, "Shit, Attorney! I don't want that. I'm an asshole, I know, but just-"

Ted sighed, "If there are multiple worlds out there, I hope we're in the one where things can be better, w-where our hearts are in just the right places, a-and! And...and we'd all be _strong_."

It was Gary's turn to be quiet.

> _** "It's a sad night tonight in Hatchetfield as witnesses spotted Hatchetfield's proud Papa Ed to be proud Papa Dead, near some shrubbery and a very lonely Peanuts-" ** _

"Oh no, Peanuts!" The barkeep exclaimed, the evening news heard in the entire bar.

_ "Who's gonna take care of the little guy now?" _

_ "I hope whoever killed Papa Ed fucking chokes and dies!" _

"Holy shit," Ted mustered out. He faced Gary, "someone killed Papa Ed."

"I'll be damned if the murderer approaches me," Gary remarked.

Suddenly, Gary's phone vibrated in his pocket.

"Look what they fucking did to him!" Ted reacted at some rather disturbing images of Papa Ed's corpse on live TV.

"Shhh," Gary shushed Ted, answering as the bar's reactions increased in volume.

"Linda? It's Gary," She sounded quite panicked, her voice echoing out loud enough for Ted to hear. 

"D-Dead?" Ted looked at Gary and noticed how shocked the lawyer was. "A-Alright, alright, I'll get the will ready by tomorrow."

> _** "[REDACTED], Chief of Police of the Hatchetfield Police Department, has promised a thorough investigation," ** _

"It's your ever-so loyal servant, Linda," Gary was ending the call.

"Hey Attorney," Ted began to tap Gary on the shoulder, "maybe we should get outta here!"

"Gary Goldstein, Attorney-in-Law."

"Dude!"

"What? What?" Gary kept his phone, "What the fuck do you-"

Gary stopped at the sight of smoke filling the bar they were in.

Before he could react, he was suddenly pulled out of the door by Ted, watching the other conscious patrons run out too.


End file.
